Sound Bites from a Miscarriage Journey

by Charise Rohm Nulsen


This post is in response to the RemembeRED memoir prompt: Describe a time of forgiveness in your life.

“What if something is wrong??”
I forgive my intuition for hijacking this short lived pregnancy.

The stark chill of SILENCE.
I forgive the ultrasound technician for avoiding my gaze and not answering my questions as she passed the wand over my expectant body.

“It looks like there is no heartbeat. We can schedule you for a D&E right away.”
I forgive the doctor for his utter lack of basic emotion.

Raw, uncontrolled SOBBING.
I forgive my body for breaking down.

“It’s only been a few weeks…”
I forgive God/life/fate for positioning this loss right after the devastating loss of my too young and too beautiful cousin.

“You’ve just woken up from your anesthesia. It’s all over.”
I forgive Time for not gifting me with enough of itself to know this baby.

The CH-CH-CHATTER of my teeth as I took myself to the emergency room in a highly febrile state three days later.
I forgive the various people in the hospital who couldn’t seem to help me get help when I so desperately needed it.

“An infection has spread throughout your body due to products of conception remaining from your D&E procedure.”
I forgive my OB-GYN for making me her seemingly 1 in a million statistic for a common surgery gone wrong.

“You will get through this.”
I am thankful for the nurse who gave me excellent care, but more importantly the warmth of empathy and perspective over the course of my days in the hospital.

The quiet footsteps of my husband moving around my hospital room in the middle of the night.
I am thankful for my husband who never left my side.

My determined footsteps as I put one foot in front of the other.
I am thankful for my body’s ability to heal.

“When you finally become a mama, this will all have been worth it.”
I am thankful for my mind’s ability to focus on what is most important.

“I see two lines! I’m pregnant!”
I am thankful for God/life/fate’s gift of second chances.

The indelible sweetness of Baby’s first cry in this world.
I am thankful for the powerful realization that I would go through all of this one million more times, as long as it led me to this moment.

I forgive whomever made miscarriage a taboo subject.
I am thankful for not believing in making a subject taboo.

This post is dedicated to all of the mamas who have been here – those who have their babies – and those mamas who are still waiting to meet their babies.

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{ 43 comments… read them below or add one }

1 savannahsnanny March 22, 2011 at 11:15 am

I could not have sobbed anymore if you were my own.
Bless your strength, your life…and most of all, you! JA

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2 Maureen March 22, 2011 at 11:43 am

I am so sorry for your loss and so thrilled that you have Jac now. Thank you for writing this – I completely agree that miscarriage needs to stop being a taboo topic. It is all too common and way too painful for people to suffer silently.

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3 Leighann March 22, 2011 at 12:26 pm

This is beautifully written.
I live how the words are followed by thought.
Deap meaningful thought!
This is a very emotional post.
Great job
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4 Jessica @ Cloth diapering mama March 22, 2011 at 12:35 pm

so sorry Charise. it must have been so hard to have a wonderful miracle like pregnancy end up in loss and surgery and complications. i’m glad you’re at peace now.

i lost a precious life, too…i was 10 weeks along and also had to have a D&C. i felt so empty when i woke up in the hospital after the surgery. it was the darkest time of my life. i got pregnant with my second son only 6 weeks later, but never properly grieved my loss. it helps to let it go little by little.

thanks so much for sharing your story…and great take on the prompt. i’ve shared this on FB.

xo
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5 Elena @NaynaDub March 22, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Wow. This is so well written. I love the style – showing us what was going on and then giving your thanks or forgiveness. As someone who also suffered a miscarriage, you did a fantastic job showing all of the emotions. I’m so happy that you had a happy ending. I love the last line “I forgive whomever made miscarriage a taboo subject.
I am thankful for not believing in making a subject taboo.” – so very true!
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6 Kim March 22, 2011 at 2:35 pm

This was so well written. I’m sorry for your pain and you are brave and right to write about it. It’s what makes blogging rewarding, learning about people’s real truth. I joined your site.
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7 Trish March 22, 2011 at 2:42 pm

Very moving! I want to cave in to all the emotions you’ve stirred up, sit at my desk and sob. Since I can’t do that right now, I’ll just tell you that this was beautifully done. The format you used to express this was so very effective and took me along on this tragic and hopeful journey with you.

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8 Victoria KP March 22, 2011 at 2:43 pm

There are tears in my eyes. I went through a miscarriage at almost 11 weeks and even though I had 2 healthy boys after that I still get emotional when I hear about another woman’s experience.

This was very well done. I agree with what some of the other comments have mentioned about LOVING the line about the subject being taboo. I can’t think of anything in my life I needed to talk about more–and it was YEARS before I did.
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9 Galit Breen March 22, 2011 at 3:59 pm

You wrote this post in such a perfect format- you were able to tell so much of your story in truly few words.

I love the way everything came full circle.

I really loved this line; “I forgive Time for not gifting me with enough of itself to know this baby.” real, honest, true.

Does it sound trite to say that I’m sorry? I hope not, because I am sorry. And grateful that you don’t do tabboos!

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10 WTH am I Doing March 22, 2011 at 4:14 pm

Wow. What a touching piece. Very well done.

At 9+ weeks pregnant? It’s hard for me to read. Miscarriage frightens me…because I fear it. I think this might be part of the taboo, at least for some people.

You’re right that no one should have to suffer in silence. There should be open communication and support for parents who have suffered a miscarriage. There should be people there to help…to make sure mothers know that they didn’t do anything wrong.

~visiting from TRDC
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11 MamaP March 22, 2011 at 4:19 pm

Thank you for sharing this with the world. Beautifully constructed. But more importantly, your choice to forgive is profound.

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12 Kim March 22, 2011 at 4:59 pm

I like that this felt jagged. We’ve all had times when we yell a “NO! That’s UNFAIR!!” to the world. Being able to forgive the stuff we can’t understand, the bad things we can’t even properly point a finger to? That’s a big deal. Good job on this.
Came from TRDC.
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13 Rebel Chick March 22, 2011 at 5:22 pm

I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I had found this when I had a miscarriage years ago and no one would say the word aloud.
It’s a horrible thing to suffer alone.

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14 CJ March 22, 2011 at 9:58 pm

This made me cry. Such a raw and thoughtful post. I had 2 miscarriages before my son, and I don’t think I forgiven myself for them yet. Thank you for this.

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15 Megan March 22, 2011 at 11:48 pm

Wow. That is a really powerful post. Thank you for sharing what you went through.
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16 Erin March 23, 2011 at 2:27 am

Definitely brought me back to that “moment”.
Heartbreaking, gut wrenching, and so wonderful that it’s NOT taboo!

Beautifully written!
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17 Bibi March 23, 2011 at 2:32 pm

What a beautiful post….I am so sorry you had to go through such a heartbreak and deal with so many additional obstacles in the process.

I am so happy you were given a second chance to have and to hold your own little miracle.
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18 Miri@LifeAfterPush March 23, 2011 at 6:26 pm

This is so beautiful, open, and real. Thank you for sharing yourself this way. I’ve never been there, but I always fear it. As, WTH said, I think that’s probably why it might be taboo, although I’ve never thought of it that way.

It’s not usually public, because most miscarriages happen before the people around you know you’re even pregnant, but I have known so many people who have shared with me that they have had one. Although there may have been many more who never felt they could say anything about it.

Regarding the writing– I love it. The back and forth, the imagery and voice, is very powerful and very you. I can’t pinpoint if you’ve done this with other posts, but I feel like you have, or at least you’ve achieved the same effect before.
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19 Mina March 23, 2011 at 10:50 pm

Wow, so beautifully written and well captured. I’m so glad that we live in a time where miscarriage need not be taboo and we can feel free to grieve our losses openly.
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20 Mrs. Jen B March 24, 2011 at 4:25 pm

I’m so sorry that you had to go through this, but am so happy that your miracle came through.

I’ll never forget when a good friend of mine whispered to me that she’d had a miscarriage in the past. Like it was a dirty word. I wonder why the taboo came about in the first place.
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21 Frelle March 24, 2011 at 4:52 pm

amazingly well done. thank you for sharing this piece of your story. I am so sorry for your loss, and for the terrible things that happened afterward, but am so glad you can forgive those who did not care well for you. Im also glad your husband and the one kind nurse were there.
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22 Liam March 25, 2011 at 2:02 pm

You need to tag this “Do not read in public.”
Not for the taboo, but it looks bad when you cry at work.
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23 Petunia GreenBeans March 25, 2011 at 3:18 pm

Beautiful mama, moving. So brave to lay those feelings out on the line in such a raw way, I’ve been there too, as many women have, and you have nailed those thought/emotional processes. I hope mama’s struggling with this right now will find there way here, and know their feelings, each and every one, are valid, and they are not alone. <3
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24 Tonya March 26, 2011 at 11:25 pm

What a powerful post and beautifully written.

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25 Kristl Story March 31, 2011 at 8:27 pm

I wish that you could share this with all OB/Gyn’s, so they could share it with their patients!
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26 Lynn March 31, 2011 at 9:15 pm

Wow. What a powerful, beautiful and beautifully written post.
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27 The Damsel in Dis Dress April 1, 2011 at 4:39 pm

Wow, that was amazing. You speak so well for us all.

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28 Devan @ Unspoken Grief™ April 1, 2011 at 6:01 pm

HUGS to you – beautiful post & thank you for sharing xxo
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29 Lauren@Hobo Mama April 4, 2011 at 3:56 pm

Beautiful and honest. Thank you so much for sharing your grief and your hope. We miscarried our first baby, and we were rocked to the core. It’s so important to let other parents know they’re not alone. Thank you.
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30 Tenielle April 4, 2011 at 4:53 pm

Thank you for sharing, and congratulations on the happy ending :) I had tears – it’s so hard to put such a thing into words, but you put it so well…

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31 Zoie @ Touchstonez April 5, 2011 at 1:21 am

I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for these beautiful words. I also experienced a loss. My second child, and only daughter, was stillborn. There is a lot of forgiveness that goes along with healing and grieving.
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32 Sarah April 6, 2011 at 10:23 am

This is such a fantastic post that does exactly what you wanted to accomplish: make miscarriage less taboo. Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing your heart.
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33 Betsy April 11, 2011 at 12:31 pm

It is such an awful, awful terrible sorrow to bear.

You are wise to talk about it and reach out to others and to heal.
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34 Maria April 14, 2011 at 8:57 pm

Beautifully written. You have a real gift. As a mother and a survivor of recurrent losses this post really touches me. Thanks so much for letting us peek into your soul during both the darkest and brightest moments.

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35 Jenny Bunny April 15, 2011 at 10:59 pm

Thank you for this post. My friend recently lost a baby and I know many people who have. You made me understand more what it’s like since it’s so hard for people to talk about.
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36 Andrea KP April 19, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Thank you for this. This post is beautiful. I miscarried in January and am still waiting to become pregnant again. I know that I need to practice some forgiveness myself.
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37 William@Repo Cars November 2, 2011 at 10:21 pm

Thanks for sharing your griefs, I understand how it feels when you lose someone because my wife experience that. Well, your story is not that too bad because you actually end up happy.
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38 Alexis@Pet Food November 3, 2011 at 10:03 pm

I fell sad the griefs that you have experience, it is truly hurt losing an innocent one (a baby). I know that you are already good now and continue doing good things and be happy!
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39 Jana (@jana0926) June 2, 2012 at 1:30 pm

This is beautiful. Congratulations on your VOTY honor!
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40 .ambre. @mytempleremodeling.com August 5, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Thank you for sharing your story. We’ve lost three babies. I appreciate it when other women are willing to share their stories too.. My blog link below is to my story…
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41 Anna@Green Talk October 15, 2012 at 3:05 pm

So beautifully written. My heart went out to you. Now so many women are having trouble conceiving. Thanks for sharing such a personal story.

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42 Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms March 12, 2013 at 2:30 pm

Wow. This was a beautiful, powerful way to tell this story. I am thankful that you had the courage to write this. Erin

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43 Kim- One Classy Motha March 12, 2013 at 10:59 pm

Thank you for writing that. I too suffered miscarriages, one during my second trimester- and like you, a “product of conception” remained. Luckily, I finally passed it without need for hospital care.

This post made me cry. It made me remember the depth of despair I felt at the time, the helplessness and guilt was crushing. Today, I am thankful for my resilience, a greater depth of empathy for others, and of course, my baby girl who was born a year later.

I found you through Honestmom’s linkup and I’m glad I did. I’m going to leave the link to my miscarriage story but don’t feel obligated to read it…just if you want to. It’s the only serious post I’ve written on my blog but I felt the need to share it. I’m sure you understand that.
http://www.oneclassymotha.com/2013/02/07/warning-a-serious-post-cathartic-and-sad/

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